Sad nights in a tent - closed RP

[blessedmaiden]

Sometimes the summoner wondered if the would would ever manage to stay peaceful for more than a week considering how everytime they fixed something more issues showed up. She missed the Feymarch, the security of feeling a roof over her head, the costant company of her beloved eidolons, the security that things weren't going to change... yet now she was traveling in Cecil's group and she knew there was no way back- not that she wanted to abandon her friends, of course. After entering in the small tent she decided to share with Kain (No way she was going to sleep with Edge and Cecil and Rosa... well, she couldn't ask them anyway) the summoner threw her pelts on the ground, trying to make some sort of mattress between her and the rocky surface of the area where they decided to build their camp.

"Uff..." Rydia closed her eyes, leaning on her improvised bedding and throwing one last pelt on her shoulders trying to find some warmth, too bad summoning Ifrit would require costant concentration in the human world and napping at his side wasn't an option. "What a week, wasn't it?"

It was probably a bad idea to talk with the dragoon since he didn't even bother to turn around when she entered, just offering her his back and ignoring her presence but... she was so used to have someone around in the Feymarch she almost felt the need to interact with him not even realizing that, with all that he passed, the main probably needed his time alone.

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[dragoon_pride]

At first, he considers just continuing to ignore Rydia. All he wants right now is to be left alone. More than anything, Kain wishes he could sneak away, go somewhere isolated and stay there on his own. He'd been tempted by the idea a few times already. He's finding it harder now to face his friends than ever before, especially after what he'd done. Again. It had been a terrible week, and the latest incident had been too much to bear. He can't believe he'd been so weak yet again. His friends had forgiven him yet again, but he's tired of this constantly happening. He can't believe he's fallen under mind control, lost his way, given in to his darkness...

It's too much. He can't take it. To add to it, he'd yet again been subjected to Cecil and Rosa basking in each other's company, seeing the two of them kiss and cuddle and lovingly tease one another, the two unable to keep their hands off each other. They're always holding hands or doing small romantic gestures toward each other. In fact, it's gotten worse since the couple got engaged. Kain is constantly reminded at every moment about Rosa's love for Cecil. Neither of them mean any harm or realize what they're doing to him, but it doesn't matter. His heart has been broken and stomped on one too many times. It's no wonder he'd been off guard enough to fall to his darker side. To make matters worse, he feels intensely guilty about these feelings... They're his friends, and he ought to feel happy for them. The fact that he can't share in their happiness makes him all the more upset at himself.

Kain clenches his fists and closes his eyes for a moment, holding them shut to attempt to keep back the tears that are threatening to start up. No. He can't give in to that, especially because he's not alone. He doesn't want Rydia to see him being so weak.

He doesn't turn around yet, knowing it's easier to hide his emotions if she can't see his face. But after a long silence, he realizes perhaps he should answer her. So he quietly mutters, "I guess..." Then he hopes that this will be the end of conversation, so he can deal with his misery in silence and relative solitude.

[blessedmaiden]

Too bad the summoner wasn't ready to drop the conversation: she turned on her side to look a his back, rolled over her stomach and kept moving on her bedding for a moment before trying to stare at the ceiling while counting malboros in her head to relax. Nothing, her bosy still ached for the past battles and Rydia was just too nervous to accept Kain's "yeah, now let me sleep" reply as the end of their conversation. Not that they ever interacted so much before but... after all they were comrades, weren't they?

"You know what's really strange for me?" the summoner changed her position again, now facing the dragoon's back again and resisting the temptation to poke it as she often did with her creatures to grab their attention. Apparently it was 'unappropriate' for people to touch each other on the surface, especially when interacting with someone of the opposite gender- Or that Rosa said since Rydia kept clinging on Cecil's arm. unappropriate, of course... yet, the woman preferred to keep her hands for herself with someone she wasn't close with like Kain. "Monsters here attack you blindly, they don't even try to talk with you. I guess I've spent too much at home and too little on the surface now but... monsters that act like wild beasts? It makes no sense!"

There were legends, down there, about how monsters on the surface went slowly insane, something aout moon influence that always sounded ridicolous to her ears... but she wasn't really worried about that or the fact that she felt like a traveler in a foreign land with peculiar costumes, it was... all the things together that were pushing her to her limits. Little she knew Kain was feeling way worse than her.

"Do you ever feel wanting this whole journey to end? To find a place to return to a peaceful life and such?"

the FEymarch felt safe, things didn't change and if at first she was terrified now that felt like home. Andhome was stuck in time with eternal and never changing inhabitant, eidolons barely worried about time and everything felt so fast on the Blue Planet and...

"Sorry, I feel a bit chatty tonight. I blame Rosa, she has no more time to listen, recently." Way to go, summoner...

[dragoon_pride]

The silence had been welcome to Kain, who had simply continued brooding silently to himself after it set in. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to fall asleep for a long time, much as that too would be a welcome reprieve from everything running through his head right now. He’s just getting used to that quiet when Rydia interrupts yet again.

Kain listens silently as she goes on about the monsters of the surface compared to what she’d known, all that time in the Feymarch. In a better state of mind, he might even be inclined to comment about that, perhaps letting her talk as a distraction about her own world. For the most part, that’s what he usually prefers to do, staying quiet, keeping his own thoughts inside while others do the talking. But right now. Ughh right now, he’s in such a terrible mood that he can’t concentrate on anything else.

When Rydia mentions Rosa, of course, Kain clenches his eyes together harder, feeling them start to get blurry with those weak, pathetic tears. He can’t give in! He refuses. When he finally says something, he’s struggling hard to control his voice and keep it from shaking. He still doesn't turn around, though.

“There can never be a return to peace.”

[blessedmaiden]

But the silence isn’t really welcome to her, like his reply. She frowns, rolls around again, sulking, and being silent for a moment on her part. No, Rydia may be exhausted but she’s too tired to sleep, as absurd as it sounds- and being there with someone who refuses to speak or even look at her isn’t really helping in calming her down.
“You know, that reply… it was terrible. I know the situation is grim and it’s absurd the weight of this whole situation is on our shoulders-“ and with ours she means the eidolons too “But you can have that attitude considering how many people fell believing in our planet’s future.”

She needs to motivate others to stay motivate herself- still, Rydia wants to believe they will all find a way to fix this mess. And she will finally return in the Feymarch, be happy and spend the rest of her life between her monsters, not between… well, as much as she cares about Cecil and his group that’s just not her place. And where else would she go anyway? Maybe to Mist? Please, the village is a pile of ashes and as far as she knows there are only a couple of survivors that will eventually move to Kaipo…

“Sometimes I feel like it’s not going to end too but… that’s just depressing” she grumbles and instinctively‘kicks’ his leg (even if it’s more like a gentle touch because she’s physically really weak and she isn’t even trying to hurt him. But she really meant it as a kick, really!) “If… we allow ourselves to give up, our morale to sink, then it doesn’t matter how hard we try, we’re doomed. Sometimes I want to run back home myslef but... there will be peace. I want to believe it.” There’s another long moment of silence then the woman rolls again on her pelts giving him her back.

"Leviathan's nostrils, I can't really sleep tonight... and you're so silent, even more than usual, what's wrong? Did you get hurt?"

Leaving him alone? Not an option for now...

[dragoon_pride]

Why can't she make this easy on both of them and be quiet? Why can't she just leave him alone? Though, considering that, Kain thinks to all of their travels so far. Rydia isn't exactly someone he'd call 'quiet' by any stretch of the imagination. She's always enjoyed chattering, although it usually ends up being with one of the others. Usually they all know well enough to keep away from the sullen dragoon. Yet sometimes, he does somewhat wish he was... closer to more of them, in ways. It's a foolish idea, though, and he tries to push it out of mind. Getting close only leads to more pain. He'll hurt them all eventually... he can't help it...

He feels her light 'kick', gentle coming from her, and gives a little "hmmph" sound in response. Normally, he'd agree with that whole notion. Giving up is the coward's way, it's for weaklings. But he's fallen too far and too hard now to care.

"I'm fine," Kain says, but this time, he can't hide the tremble in his voice. It's uncharacteristic for him, such unguarded emotion. "It's nothing."

Except his eyes are watering up more, and it's harder to hold back. Tears start to spill and he hastily rubs his sleeve on his face. He absolutely can't turn around now and risk her seeing him like this. Siiiigh, he's a mess. A total wreck. Everything has gone so wrong, and it's all been his fault. How could he turn his lance against his closest friends? Betray the people he cared about most? He's a failure to the dragoons, to his family honor, and to Baron itself. He's a disgrace.

[blessedmaiden]

She may not be too attenctive to his movements and his body language in the dark of their tent but his tone of voice seems to finally alarm her. The summoner sits up, still wrapped in her poor 'blanket' and stares at his back for a long moment before leaning closer and gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Had he been so tense the whole time? the muscles under her fingers feel like rocks and this is just so... unexpected.

"That's not... nothing." she murmurs leaning closer and placing even her other hand on his body, gently petting his side as she's do with an upset chocobo to calm it down. So much for listening Rosa and her advices, mh? Still his stiffness and the way he breather further confirm Rydia that he's not okay... and to be honest that's scary. Kain is Kain, he's the serious dragoon who barely shows any emotion when Rosa isn't around, Kain isn't supposed to be like this. In her mind it's wrong to see Kain one step from crying, what is she supposed to do?

"You can..." Rydia looks around in the dark, like expecting some kind of enlightment from the tent but in the end it's just her, her limited knowledge of how humans do things and a dragoon who shouldn't cry that's on the verge of tears. Perhaps it's just worth acting like she would in any other similar situation between her people "...uhn... cry, if you want. I won't tell anyone." Her hand moves from his shoulder to his head and there the summoner starts petting and caressing his hair, hopefully this won't upset him even more.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

[dragoon_pride]

Why, why, why can’t he hold this back as he usually does? The worst part is, the awful emotion is threatening to spill over even more, like storm clouds gathering and darkening, ready to burst with inevitable rain. Kain squeezes his eyes tight as Rydia’s hand touches him, her motions soft and gentle… He’s never really seen her like that before, admittedly. He’s distanced himself for a number of reasons, never quite sure if she even much liked him… So her comfort is a pleasant surprise.

This is so unlike him. He doesn’t like it at all, letting down his guard, becoming so… so vulnerable. He’d never intended to let anyone know that beneath the armor and coldness is someone who’s hurting far more than he lets on. They’re not supposed to know about that side of him. No one is.

“Nothing is wrong. It’s the same as ever, so nothing at all is wrong....” Kain’s voice is still strained, and he doesn’t sound like he believes anything he’s saying. She said it was ok to cry, but he’s struggling hard to avoid something so humiliating. The only problem is, he’s not so sure he can hold back for much longer. At least her touch is still soothing, and Kain stays where he is for just a moment. Then, taking a deep, shaky breath, he moves to sit up and turn toward her. He looks as dejected as he’s sounded all along. It’s unmistakable in his eyes. But he refuses to cry. It won’t happen, it won’t.

“...I’ve failed.”

Unfortunately, when he says these words, it opens the floodgates once and for all. He can’t do a thing to stop it now, and it’s too late. The tears start streaming down his face, and within moments, he’s sobbing openly. All of the darkness and negativity and despair that he’s hidden for all of this time comes spilling out at last.

[blessedmaiden]

Okay, that was completely unexpected. Rydia looks at Kain pretending to have control on himself, she sees his eyes brim with tears and suddenly the man, the stoic and silent dragoon is crying. Enough to forget about her own worries for now, he clearly needs all the possible support.

"Oh, hush you..." She pulls him closer, leaning his head against her neck like Asura used to do when she was a kid (something about feeling calmer with the sound of heartbeats, the summoner never asked for too many explanations) and passing her fingers between his hair "I wasn't here for the whole time but- you're still alive, we're still fighting, there's no failure here. Mistakes? They happen. Moments of weakness too, but you can't say you failed as long as we're alive, right?" Someone is missing the point, here "but it's okay, Kain, just let your sadness wash away and when you'll feel better we'll discuss how no one failed here."

In the meanwhile she's going to treat him like a scared puppy and give him all the physical affection humans seems to dislike so much unless they're with very specific people: Rydia pets his head, scratches his back, wraps one arm around his waist... acting like a Feymarchian is pretty much her only choice here, the only time she cried because Edge was an idiot they still had to rush forward to deal with enemies and troubles and... more experience with the matter? She couldn't exactly remember how her mother acted when she was a kid...

"There there, Kain-" The scratches under the chin are probably completely out of place but the woman seems to think otherwise "-there there..."

[dragoon_pride]

Kain has spent so long pushing others away, keeping to himself that it’s… surprising, to have her pulling him close like this. No one has done such a thing for him in a very long time. Not since his father’s death, that one time that he’d finally broken down and Rosa had comforted him… Other than that, he’d always kept his distance as much as possible. Breaking down into tears like this is just not the way a man ought to behave. Not in Kain’s opinion, anyway.

At the moment, though, all of those typical inhibitions are gone. The emotions are just too intense, too difficult to handle. He can’t bear it any longer. Now that it’s started, he can’t stop, can’t go back. So Kain leans his head in against her, continuing to sob as she holds him. She’s warm and comforting, in actions as well as words. She’s saying things he needs to hear.

“...s- sorry for this… I didn’t mean to… I shouldn’t burden you with this…” He might have pointed out the oddness of the chin scratches in some other situation. But at the moment, it’s even quite… soothing in its way. Kain’s weeping subsides a little bit, the sobs slowing a little. “But… thank you…”

[blessedmaiden]

"That's just stupid, Kain." She rolls her eyes and leans back on the pelts, trying to pull him back with her: perhaps if he's comfortable enough he'll relax and even fall asleep, that sounds 8in her head, at least) like a solid plan. And how to deal with him now? Men have their silly... pride and all. Perhaps she should sound "This is no burden. You need support, I need warmth, everybody wins and we are... uhn... comrades with benefits." This will make him feel better about this whole situation, right?

The woman keeps cuddling him as she knows, ignoring the sobs and caressing his back after throwing one of the pelts over his shoulders. Physical contact is easier for Rydia than words and where her sentences sounded almost cold at least the way she touches the dragoon clearly says 'don't worry I'm here'.

"Don't thank me, you big puppy." The woman rubs her nose against his neck "We're all supposed to help each other, right? I had my small breakdown myself too, wanting to run back in the Feymarch, it happens to be like this." And a smile appeares on her lips when the man's sobs seem to slow down, finally. Rydia squeezes his waist a couple of times before leaning her chin on his shoulder "And I swear-" Her voice is now a whisper "Whatever happens in this tent will stay in this tent."

[dragoon_pride]

Kain doesn't resist, not having the mind to at the moment, so he lets her pull him along with her. He's still not used to any of this. He doesn't allow this side to come out to anyone. He barely acknowledges it to himself, but that's probably why it had all suddenly burst out like this. He's been holding back a great deal, for so long...

But he needs that comfort so much right now, he craves it desperately. He's gone for too long with a cold front, keeping the rest of the world out. She's said the right thing, though. He always tries to do something in return, not comfortable simply accepting help without repayment. So... he can give her that warmth. If that's all she wants of him right now, he'll provide it. Her cuddling and caressing is helping too, and for a while he's fine letting things be silent. A comforting silence, he thinks. He isn't big on words sometimes, especially when it comes to emotions. So he lets her arms wrapped around her, her nuzzling and all of it do the talking instead.

"I'm glad you won't tell the others..." He's still crying but it's not so strong now, just quiet tears instead of violent weeping. "I have a reputation to keep, don't I?" Sigh. Sometimes he almost wishes it were easier to just break down that barrier and allow others in, but he can't. "Y... you're right, we all have our moments. But dragoons aren't supposed to cry." In Kain's world only could that ever be true, of course.

"...I remind you of a puppy?" he asks the last part offhand.

[blessedmaiden]

It's like comforting a big baby and she's more than okay with it. Or, to be honest, it's somehow making her feel more confortable than just talking- oh, how she misses her land and how her people touched each other without problems- but that's not the time to think about that. Rydia relaxes under his body, keeps cuddling him and, sometimes, she hums some notes in the dark, satisfied to notice how calmer he sounds himself.

"It's for mutual benefit, Kain, I'd never hear the end of how unappropriate this apparently is for human ladies." She's... trying to be funny now, because maybe that could be useful too "It's a good thing I don't consider myself a person of the surface, mh?" The summoner ruffles his hair. It may be a bit private to admit that but it's all sharing right now, right? And that may be personal but he's the one who probablty feels more exposed right now. All is go-Wait.

"What?" What indeed, are you even serious? "I already fail to see the meaning of a 'reputation' as someone who doesn't cry, mostly but- dragoons don't cry? Do you have any special gene that makes you non-human and unable to cry? Because otherwise that statement is..." Uhn, how did Edge say? "Bullcrack. Creatures have feelings, what is the shame on that? Is it so embarassing to share your thoughts?" She gently 'punches' his head before returning to her cuddles.

"Yeah, especially now. After all puppies are the ones always focused on proving others that they're strong and big and true alpha members of their community... when most of the other creatures in their clan, herd, team... just don't care." Unless it's a male trying to mate with females that belong to the alpha but- that's probably not something she should say right now.

"Kain..." She sighs, perhaps she's just missing some important points of their culture "why do you think you shouldn't cry?"

[dragoon_pride]

Kain brushes aside some more stray tears, he’s a bit calmer now, but every so often there’ll be a new surge of sorrow, and the tears come forth again. He’s never shown this level of weakness to anyone and he doesn’t know how he feels about it. He certainly feels vulnerable, in a way he’s never felt before. Yet at the same time… at the same time, he feels more comforted than he ever has before. He never lets down those walls of his to let anyone inside… so he never experiences anything like this…

“I’m glad you’re not like the others… like us surface people. You see things in a different way… you notice things most of us wouldn’t...” Only Rydia would be able to notice such a comparison to the way that animals like dogs would behave. Yet it’s an apt comparison indeed. Somehow it does make him more relaxed in her presence. He’s never really thought too closely about how strange human customs must seem to her. So much time had passed for her, that it’s easy to forget. He buries his head against her for a moment while he considers how to respond, letting her cuddle him after that light fake-punch. Which he’d deserved, really.

He blinks a little to clear his eyes. “Of course, we dragoons are as human as anyone else… but I was raised with the idea that… if I wish to be a real man… then I should never let such emotions get the better of me lest anyone see me as weak and pathetic. I should be strong and keep them inside… it’s just… how we’re told to behave…” It does seem… sort of dumb, when he actually has to explain it out loud.

[blessedmaiden]

She'd probably remark that's not healty, that everyone should be allowed to cry and that if he never accepted random cuddles he should start now and she's more than willingly to provide, there's nothing wrong in helping a friend but she just closes her eyes, appreciating the silence and humming for him only when he has more bursts of sadness.

"Oh, yeah, I certainly do." There's... sarcasm in her voice? "You'd love to know how often I just don't understand what others are saying or why they're acting in certain ways. So fun... but yes, I have a different view and different standards compared to you all, glad you don't dislike it." There are many moments whenshe feels out of place, when she misses her world, but... yeah, she will go home, someday, and if her differences can be helpful the summoner is glad to be there. And she listens, never really stopping her hands from cuddling the dragoon.

"Uhn..." Sort of dumb? Sort of dumb? "Oh, Kain..." She caresses his cheeck trying to find the proper words to express her feelings right now and when Rydia can't find them she proceeds to kiss the tip of his head and scratch his back to buy time. How... to share her thoughts properly? "I had no idea..." A real man, mh? She didn't expect humans or dragoons, as far as she knows to have such a ridicolous belief.

"Do you... think I'm weak? That we're all weak here?"

[dragoon_pride]

He likes her humming, it’s soothing, helping him to relax whenever the emotions boil to the surface yet again. When he thinks he’ll be fine, he ends up gasping out another sob, quiet, but still there, still happening. It’s subsided from what it was before, at least. Her cuddling him also helps tremendously, of course, a gentle touch that he’s needed for far too long.

“I’m sorry,” Kain says, understanding the sarcasm, the tone in her voice that speaks of a frustration he can’t begin to understand. He takes it for granted, knowing what the surface is like, takes it for granted that she was gone far longer from her perspective than it ever seemed from theirs. Years living among Eidolons. That has to change a person, considerably. “I’ll try and help when and if I can, anytime you feel that you don’t understand something…” It’s the least he can do, considering how much she’s doing for him already.

Kain closes his eyes for just a moment as she gives him that kiss and affectionate scratch. He looks at her then, realizing how it must have sounded. He’s never thought others beneath him at all, even though most of them show their emotions so much more readily than him. “Of course not. You’re far from weak… you’re one of the strongest people I know. None of you are weak…” Well. Edward might be the exception, but that’s more to do with making a battle technique out of hiding, than anything involving emotions. “I know how it must sound. But… it’s just… for me, I guess. I cannot accept it in myself… letting emotions overcome me...” Sure, some of it is just how he is, he’s simply not an expressive person, not prone to wearing his heart on his sleeve. But he also has to hold back quite a bit sometimes too.

[blessedmaiden]

She shakes her head, chuckling against his head "You should be ready to receive some strange questions, then, apparently my manners are more than unappropriate for a human lady, at least according to the other ladies I've had the pleasure to interact with." Aka, Rosa "having certain things explained will certainly be... helpful." It's not like Rydia is going to ask so many questions anyway, as fascinating as human customs are she's not planning to stay between them and it's rare that they have enough time to slow down and chat anyway, but she appreciates the offer. But now it's not about her, isn't it?

And there's a bit of pride in being considered strong, she knows to be part of a great team yet it's still nice to hear that kind of comments. Her hands slide down when he looks up at her, just resting on his hips while she ponders in silence. It's... hard to understand that kind of reasonings since no one in her world considers repressing emotions but she heard about 'stoic heroes' and this kind of things so... "It sounds silly..." the summoner admits looking down at him, trying o find his eyes in the darkness of the tent "but it's your way of living and I shouldn't make fun of it, nor I should look down at you because this makes no sense to me." Her hands move again and she affectionately scratches his chin again, still trying to look in his eyes. It's so strange to be so close o the dragoon considering how they barely spoke to each other, yet she wants to understand him a bit better now even if she can't completely explain now. Rydia had always been so open about her feeling, she considered part of her strenght, it's almost fascinating how he seems to be on the opposite side.
"I don't think you're weak because you let me see this side of you. To be completely honest, I think it took you some courage to open up like this, especially considering we're almost strangers outside the battlefield."

"... Kain?" she raises an eyebrow "How do you feel now? I mean... after letting this out?"

[dragoon_pride]

“I can handle strange questions. Don’t worry. It’s… the least I can do…” He feels bad, burdening her with all of this. It’s not as if they’ve gotten to be very close yet, though this whole situation is making him wish that they had been close all along. He’s done a little too well with pushing everyone away, even including his best friends. But for a long time he’d assumed Rydia wanted little to do with him, thanks to what he and Cecil had done in Mist.

What she’s saying though… it’s something he needed to hear. It’s really sinking in how strange this is for her as it is for him. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, all there for the world to see. And he’s the opposite, repressed and always hiding his true feelings. “Nor do I look down on you, either. I never could. In fact, I respect you. I’ve always respected you in battle, of course, but beyond that… You’re not afraid to let your true feelings show… that takes a very different sort of bravery than the sort I’m used to.” And it’s a sort that he doesn’t have. He’s fearless in combat, but when it comes to dealing with his emotions… he’s a mess.

“I’m sorry about that, by the way. We should have spoken a long time ago… I just thought… perhaps you wouldn’t want to… after everything that happened.” Ah, that scratching feels so good. His eyes finally meet hers. “...and… I feel better.” He rubs at his eyes, clearing them, although they’re still a little wet and a bit red from the crying. “Much better than before. I didn’t realize just how much I’ve needed this…”